How do I keep finding myself here again & again?

My legs & arms are covered in bruises. Every time I think I can ride out the pain & not do this to myself again, it happens AGAIN.

*sigh*

Bruising easily is part of Lupus. I've had that symptom for as long as I can remember & probably before. Nerve pain is also part of Lupus.

Put the two together & once I push on a spot that is hurting too much to ignore (acu-pressure style), I get bruises that look like spots. Right now they are ALL over my legs. And my arms. It's NEVER been this bad. It makes me sick to look at the bruises honestly :(

I'm pretty sure my current rheumatologist is an idiot. I don't think she's a bad person or anything, but taking me off pain medications & expecting me to be a contributing member or society is just not going to happen. "Take Tylenol Arthritis. Being on pain medications at your age is too risky."

How did my age become a factor in this??? Has anyone else been fed this bullshit???

I'm finding it's one or the other. Either I take pain medications & can get up & do the things that needed to be done days ago, or I don't take them & I make myself look like a bruised up leopard & can't do shit.

My hands wouldn't work well enough to type for a few days. That's why you haven't heard from me on here. They have been drawn up in pain & arthritic deep aching. The same aching pain I feel from head to toe. I swear sometimes it hurts so deep that it feels like my bones are rotting.

Someone tell me how to get past this. Tell me how to DEAL. How to FUNCTION. How to FREE myself of this pain...

And if you can't do that, tell me my doctor is an idiot. Help me realize I deserve to have my pain level managed using medications & that it's OKAY to do so. She sure has gotten me on every other medication she can get kickbacks from. What's so wrong about pain meds? I just don't understand why this has to be such a FIGHT & why I should have to feel GUILTY for wanting medications to help.

I'm just SO tired.